Brain Spew in Lieu of Wit

 I suppose it's fitting that I write my return post the day before Father's Day. My dad, of course, is a central figure in the creation of this blog.  For those of you just joining me on this journey, I started this project when I was in therapy. It was recommended that I start a journal, as many therapists advise. Despite my best efforts, I have never been able to maintain a personal journal. The closest I really have would be my poetry, but those are...incomplete for this purpose. So, I thought I would do better with an audience - I am a writer, after all.  This choice came with many consequences, though thankfully nothing so permanent as a lost relationship or impact on my "day" life. I do well enough of that without a public forum. I'm taking this project up with a better understanding of myself, a firmer grasp on how to discuss deeply personal experiences without being cruel to those included, and the wisdom that comes with three? five? years of hard-won grow...

I have had conflicted feelings about  positive thinking  for as long as I’ve been aware of the concept. I want to support it. There is increasing  scientific evidence  to suggest that positive thinking can improve mental health, stress coping strategies, recovery from trauma, and self-esteem. There are copious resources in  self-help books ,  therapy ,  motivational speakers , and  websites . Positive thinking proponents insist that you can change your outlook, rewire your brain, be more successful, and be healthier just by turning your frown upside down and stop thinking “cannot” and start believing “can do!” It takes some core components from  cognitive behavior therapy , in that the goal is to change how you interact with the environment and to consciously shape how you process stimuli. I use similar techniques to change my self-perception, cope with anxiety, and to help stall  catastrophizing . There is certainly something t...

I'm not entirely sure when I last did a general update, so I figured I would give you an idea of what's happening on my journey. As I've said in a few of my previous posts, I am back on Venlafaxine ER (the generic for Effexor XR). The dosage is significantly lower than I had been taking - I spent most of my adult life taking 150mg, but I'm currently on the 37.5mg dose. I have been entertaining the idea of going up to the 75mg to see if it helps my depressive episodes and nerve pain, but it's not at a critical point. As it stands, my depressive episodes are significantly shorter and less severe than they have been in my whole life. I'm able to recognize the spiraling thought patterns for what they are and have started using the tools that have been gifted to me over the years to treat myself gently. My pain levels have diminished greatly. In all honestly, my day-to-day is still between 3-5 on a 10 point pain scale, but that's a vast improvement of 5-8. My...

I have spent the past several years working to build discipline. I want to stop flinging myself from moment to moment and becoming frozen in the infinite and terrifying possibilities of the future. I want to finally  follow through on a plan deliberately and directly. I want to be the determined, diligent, laser-focused person I read about in self-help books. I continue to discover that the process of becoming a disciplined person is both more complicated and significantly simpler than I had initially realized. I am, by nature, a stubborn and goal-oriented person. I am lost when I find myself without a destination, as if I'm untethered from reality. I have leant heavily on calendars and lists, often over-organizing to the point of distraction and panic. I ground myself in these things... often to the point of immobility. I am also the person who finds validation in being Busy. Even as I build space in my schedule, I am still overworked and only stop when my body shuts down. Th...