Step One is the Hardest....Right?

I'm terrible at journaling, so here's my solution. I guess. I just had my first therapy appointment. Well, my first *real* one, anyway. I went to the university counseling center ages ago, but that was with the specific goal of attaining an academic withdrawal. I went to a psychiatrist, but as much as my meds help, it's really not the same. This was...terrifying. I pride myself on being honest with myself and others. I am the person who looks at the dark corners of her soul and laughs in the face of it.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, I like to believe that I am someone who is constantly improving, growing, expanding beyond my past and my crazy and my self-loathing and self-destruction. And I was faced with the possibility that it's just self-delusion. I almost didn't go today. I almost let myself sleep far too late, and the insomnia was an excellent help for that. But I went. With the support of my wonderful boyfriend and my truly inspirational friends. And I'm still terrified.

I squished into that hour pretty much everything that I wanted to touch on. I don't have anything else that I wish that I had said. I truly believe that I gave her a broad, if necessarily shallow, glimpse at who and what I am. I'm terrified that I don't have a solid end goal. I'm angry at myself that I spent way too much crying and sniffling and avoiding her gaze. I wish that I had been more clear and academic and concise. But, I can't think of any other information that I would have provided in the time that we had.

I know the problems. Rage, anxiety, overscheduling, fixation, intellectualization, self-deprecation, self-destructive behavior, hating all the feels. I know that I have done everything that I can do with the tools that I had on me. And in me. And directly around me. And I am so thankful that I have surrounded myself with the brilliant, supportive, trolling, beautiful, elitist people that I call my family.

I finally realized that...well...it isn't enough. I need a neutral third party, a trained professional who just isn't that close to my crazy. Because the Gods know that I have plenty of trained professionals near me, but they can only push me so far. And I am eternally grateful to them for getting me to this point.

But, ultimately, I loathe feeling scared. And fragile. And unsure. And unable to support my friends the way that they have supported me.

All the control issues ever.  And I'm doing it to myself.

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