Brain Spew: Starting a Tradition
I have, apparently, reached a point in my recovery where I don't feel the need to post everything as it happens. Thus, I have taken suggestions for topics that my friends would like to see me discuss here. Some of the things that I'm hoping to discuss in the coming months: how my experiences have shaped and colored my feminism over time; role-playing as therapy; fetishism and recovery; how I began to distinguish myself from my relationships; my obsession with fixing ALL THE THINGS; and coping mechanism & neurosis. There has also been a request for just...brain spew. SO, this blog will be the start of that. Semi-regularly, I will be posting stream of consciousness of the things going on in my life, my recovery, my feelings, and, well, brain spew. So, here goes!
This past week has been particularly...eventful. The flavor of eventful has been both phenomenal and abysmal. Last weekend, two of the most amazing people that I know were married. The wedding was lovely and perfect for them. The bride looked...well...divine (to the level that I, I, am at a loss of words to properly describe her lustrous beauty). And I've never seen the groom glow like he did that day. I was standing as a bridesmaid, and my beloved was supposed to be a groomsman. He, unfortunately, was unable to stand at the wedding, as he was too busy getting a gallbladder the size of a water bottle removed. He's been a trooper, and has been enjoying much needed time off. We have been shadow-battling over potential diet changes, and I don't expect to be particularly successful in squeezing vegetables into the diet of my giant 10-year-old, but I'm enjoying the banter, regardless. That same weekend, my great-grandmother went to the hospital, as well. She had an intestinal blockage, has advanced Alzheimer's and had to be restrained so that she wouldn't pull out her IVs, and couldn't be sedated due to her age. We were concerned that she would have to go into surgery, but, luckily, they changed her from a stool softener to a laxative, and all is well.
These things were stressful and difficult and overwhelming. And I was handling them without my medications. For some indiscernible reason, I couldn't locate my medications that I knew that I packed (I have since found them in the front pocket of my work satchel). SO, from Thursday to Tuesday, I was un-medicated, dealing with several amazing and terrifying things. And I handled them well. During this time, I also rediscovered Ma Jong and its magically meditative qualities. Perhaps the silly free app that I found for my phone was actually a blessing in disguise. It kept me from fighting the nurses for not knowing when the surgeon would arrive, it reminds me how to properly breathe, it is at the edge of my fingertips.
I was also reminded, as I have been continuously through my recovery, how amazing the people that I surround myself with are. Without one of my best friends of six (maybe, seven?) years, I wouldn't have been able to support my beloved during his first major surgery. She guided me through how to be supportive without being overbearing, to be available without being vulnerable to the person who needed me most, to let him lean on me without fear. Without friends who are so understanding, my beloved would have felt far more terrible for his body revolting against him. And the same friend who provided such a strong foundation for me while I was in the hospital with my boyfriend facilitated for my beloved to have a "dance" with the bride via FaceTime. My phone also died during the ceremony for all of the well-wishes, updates, and communiqués concerning Beloved's surgery and my well-being.
I survived a weekend of ALL THE THINGS without medication. HOLY SHIT. Guys, this is HUGE. Okay, enough of the caps...I think. Beloved is well into his recovery - he's eating well, standing up straight, and ventured out of the house (though, in his PJs and to hang out with another technophile household, where each of us is using one device or another). I'm feeling overwhelmingly lucky, surrounded by wonderful people, with a fantastic job, and sane enough to actually appreciate it!
Of course, earlier today, I was anxious for the lack of productivity in the office. But that has dissipated with working on this blog, the company, having amazing conversations, and excellent food. Now, if only my beloved's incisions would heal, so that I could curl up with him the way that I have been desperately wanting to all week. *sigh* One thing at a time, right?
This past week has been particularly...eventful. The flavor of eventful has been both phenomenal and abysmal. Last weekend, two of the most amazing people that I know were married. The wedding was lovely and perfect for them. The bride looked...well...divine (to the level that I, I, am at a loss of words to properly describe her lustrous beauty). And I've never seen the groom glow like he did that day. I was standing as a bridesmaid, and my beloved was supposed to be a groomsman. He, unfortunately, was unable to stand at the wedding, as he was too busy getting a gallbladder the size of a water bottle removed. He's been a trooper, and has been enjoying much needed time off. We have been shadow-battling over potential diet changes, and I don't expect to be particularly successful in squeezing vegetables into the diet of my giant 10-year-old, but I'm enjoying the banter, regardless. That same weekend, my great-grandmother went to the hospital, as well. She had an intestinal blockage, has advanced Alzheimer's and had to be restrained so that she wouldn't pull out her IVs, and couldn't be sedated due to her age. We were concerned that she would have to go into surgery, but, luckily, they changed her from a stool softener to a laxative, and all is well.
These things were stressful and difficult and overwhelming. And I was handling them without my medications. For some indiscernible reason, I couldn't locate my medications that I knew that I packed (I have since found them in the front pocket of my work satchel). SO, from Thursday to Tuesday, I was un-medicated, dealing with several amazing and terrifying things. And I handled them well. During this time, I also rediscovered Ma Jong and its magically meditative qualities. Perhaps the silly free app that I found for my phone was actually a blessing in disguise. It kept me from fighting the nurses for not knowing when the surgeon would arrive, it reminds me how to properly breathe, it is at the edge of my fingertips.
I was also reminded, as I have been continuously through my recovery, how amazing the people that I surround myself with are. Without one of my best friends of six (maybe, seven?) years, I wouldn't have been able to support my beloved during his first major surgery. She guided me through how to be supportive without being overbearing, to be available without being vulnerable to the person who needed me most, to let him lean on me without fear. Without friends who are so understanding, my beloved would have felt far more terrible for his body revolting against him. And the same friend who provided such a strong foundation for me while I was in the hospital with my boyfriend facilitated for my beloved to have a "dance" with the bride via FaceTime. My phone also died during the ceremony for all of the well-wishes, updates, and communiqués concerning Beloved's surgery and my well-being.
I survived a weekend of ALL THE THINGS without medication. HOLY SHIT. Guys, this is HUGE. Okay, enough of the caps...I think. Beloved is well into his recovery - he's eating well, standing up straight, and ventured out of the house (though, in his PJs and to hang out with another technophile household, where each of us is using one device or another). I'm feeling overwhelmingly lucky, surrounded by wonderful people, with a fantastic job, and sane enough to actually appreciate it!
Of course, earlier today, I was anxious for the lack of productivity in the office. But that has dissipated with working on this blog, the company, having amazing conversations, and excellent food. Now, if only my beloved's incisions would heal, so that I could curl up with him the way that I have been desperately wanting to all week. *sigh* One thing at a time, right?
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