Self-harm isn't all about cutting: A discussion of scab picking

Okay, so I have a really gross habit neurosis coping mechanism?  I'm not really sure what to call it. I pick at my skin.  It'll start with a hang nail or acne, and will eventually start to bleed, which will eventually become a scab, which will not heal for months because I can't leave it well enough alone.  I know that it's awful and gross and potentially dangerous.  I already have scars from it.  My cuticles are destroyed because of it.  I've gotten countless minor infections on my fingers because I pick and chew on the skin around my nails.  Beloved points it out every time he sees me do it, one of my girlfriends has offered make me a behavior plan to change it, friends and lovers are always telling me to "stop picking at it!"  And yet, I can't bring myself to, despite the embarrassment, frustration, and problems.

I didn't always pick at my skin and scabs.  I taught myself not to bite my nails in 4th grade.  I once had the will of the gods.  The picking started some time in high school. I know that it started with perfectionism. Bumps on my face needed to be pulled off, hang nails needed to be removed, zits needed to be popped.  And then, the scabs were the imperfections that needed to be removed.  And the damage would spread and I would dig deeper.  It was once just an every once in a while thing.  I'm lucky enough to have really good skin, and I didn't start getting regularly occurring acne until I was in my mid-twenties. I honestly don't know how the hang nail thing started. But, here I am, 29 years old with scabs on my face and torn up fingers.  Here's a picture, untouched and without make-up.

This is after two weeks of consciously trying not to pick. The scab on my cheek has been there for more than a month.  What you can't see here are the scars that are to the outside of the scabs on my chin. I also have scars on my forehead.  They all blend pretty easily into my freckles, but are still reminders of my...problem. I know that this doesn't look "so bad"...this is a vast improvement.  A week ago, I had a second scab on my cheek, I still have two marks on my other cheek from scabs that I've (finally) let heal, and there are a few bumps that I haven't picked to the point of bleeding yet.

Picking happens for a number of reasons: anxiety, boredom, pensiveness, thoughtfulness, stimulation. I touch my face a lot.  I didn't realize that until I was hanging out with my older niece (currently age 5) who has recently been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and sensory processing disorder (http://spdfoundation.net/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html).  She touches her face a lot, and in similar ways that I do (I have never been placed on the autism spectrum, nor have I been diagnosed with SPD).  I have been trying to describe the tics, but I don't know how to without sounding sexual - caressing my cheeks, rubbing the top of my fingernails on my lips (especially my right thumb nail), rubbing my nose and eyes. And then I feel the bumps, and I want to have smooth skin (who doesn't?), so I pick at them. And then I bleed, which gives me something to focus on. Then I have a scab, so I pick at it. And the cycle continues. 

I would be lying if part of the anxiety release wasn't about the pain. It's more sensation, and I have stuff to clean up after and I am "doing something" about my flaws...even if it means that it's making them worse. The anxiety that comes with Beloved placing his hand on my wrist has greatly decreased, I still get that knot in the pit of my stomach every time it happens. Sometimes, I see how long I can get away with picking before he notices. I always make a silly face at him or tell him that he's not the boss of me. It really helps with the anxiety, and gives us both the opportunity to make light of it.

I've been looking for alternative stimulation. Pen clicking helps, but annoys the ever living hell out of everyone around me. Some of the life hacks recommend nail polish, but, then the cuticles thing. So, I turn to you, kind reader - what suggestions do you have for me? Feel free to comment. I will try to reply in a timely manner.