A Reflection on Life Stages and Mental Illness
I really want to open with "I'm in a strange place," but I'm far too well-read not to recognize that my current position isn't an unusual one. These past few weeks have been particularly difficult ones (though, that is good for posting regularly, I suppose), where my anxiety and depression were so overwhelming that I thought that I couldn't function. I did, of course, because that's what I have always done, but it certainly took far more out of me than I had ever allowed myself to be aware of before. On one hand, I think that is a move in a much healthier direction, and after discussing my state of being with Sister, we concluded that I might actually be moving into a more mild state of depression than I am used to...which is both heartening and terrifying. On the one hand, I'm excited that I am becoming healthier and I have a baseline that is "normal" enough that I'm able to recognize when the depressive swing is actually occurring, much less that I'm able to distinguish between the stages (at a time not so long ago, the scale was "I'm great - I'm able to function," "I'm so anxious that if I don't get rid of this nervous energy I'm going to destroy something," and "void of motivation, desire, and life"...there was no in-between, there was no spectrum - those were my states of being). But now, I'm feeling the shifts. I can actually say things like, "On a scale of 1 to 10 - 1 being abyssal ball of oblivion and loathing, and 10 being the happiest that I've ever been in my life - I'm a 6 today." WHAT?! It's what I imagine rediscovering object permanence would be like.
Today was a 7 or an 8. Like, that good. After a week of 2 or 3, it may actually be closer to a 6, but it feels fantastic! I didn't necessarily utilize it to get a lot of work done, but that's okay (WHAT?! Look at me not guilting and beating me up for not doing a ton of work when I am feeling like a real person for the first time in a week!). I saw some really awesome people, and I collected Beloved from the airport. It was a short week for him, but it was packed and he's stressed, and I've been all sorts of losing it, so those four days felt like 2 weeks. Anyway, he's home and while he decompressed with his iPad games, I went upstairs to organize more of the articles that I have yet to throw away.
I have a bankers box almost full of them. With being filed and separated into categories and throwing out a lot of the ones that I'm never going to use again. And this is when it hit me - I am so blessed.
Okay, I thank the people around me all the time. It's not that I don't realize that I have amazing friends and family, or that I overlook the wonderful things in my life. It's just...hard to see, sometimes. Even when you're conscious of it and appreciate it and are vocal about it, there are those moments that you realize, "Holy fuck. I've come so far and accomplished so much and that wouldn't have been possible without all of these amazing people who love me or these professors who believed in me or the privilege of finding a subject that I love so dearly." I mean, I am surrounded by people who keep me intellectually and spiritually stimulated, who love me for who and what I am, who are always supporting growth and evolution without a desire to change who I fundamentally am, who put up with me on my bad days (even when I don't even want to put up with myself), and celebrate with me on my good days (even though I feel guilty for putting them through the things on my bad days).
And this isn't just about my amazing people. This is also about me. I made it. For all of the frustration getting here, and all of the frustration being here, I have a master's degree. I'm teaching on a university level. I'm good at teaching at a university level. I have a trusting, stable, long-term relationship. I'm doing my own research. I'm well on the road to recovery from my complex trauma (EMDR is so weird, by the way...read about it here: http://www.emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=2 ). I'm even developing something resembling a time line of my life (which is kind of a big deal - outside of major events, my personal history is pretty much shot).
So, anyway, thanks for being here for my journey, even if it is just through reading my blog. You're awesome.
Today was a 7 or an 8. Like, that good. After a week of 2 or 3, it may actually be closer to a 6, but it feels fantastic! I didn't necessarily utilize it to get a lot of work done, but that's okay (WHAT?! Look at me not guilting and beating me up for not doing a ton of work when I am feeling like a real person for the first time in a week!). I saw some really awesome people, and I collected Beloved from the airport. It was a short week for him, but it was packed and he's stressed, and I've been all sorts of losing it, so those four days felt like 2 weeks. Anyway, he's home and while he decompressed with his iPad games, I went upstairs to organize more of the articles that I have yet to throw away.
I have a bankers box almost full of them. With being filed and separated into categories and throwing out a lot of the ones that I'm never going to use again. And this is when it hit me - I am so blessed.
Okay, I thank the people around me all the time. It's not that I don't realize that I have amazing friends and family, or that I overlook the wonderful things in my life. It's just...hard to see, sometimes. Even when you're conscious of it and appreciate it and are vocal about it, there are those moments that you realize, "Holy fuck. I've come so far and accomplished so much and that wouldn't have been possible without all of these amazing people who love me or these professors who believed in me or the privilege of finding a subject that I love so dearly." I mean, I am surrounded by people who keep me intellectually and spiritually stimulated, who love me for who and what I am, who are always supporting growth and evolution without a desire to change who I fundamentally am, who put up with me on my bad days (even when I don't even want to put up with myself), and celebrate with me on my good days (even though I feel guilty for putting them through the things on my bad days).
And this isn't just about my amazing people. This is also about me. I made it. For all of the frustration getting here, and all of the frustration being here, I have a master's degree. I'm teaching on a university level. I'm good at teaching at a university level. I have a trusting, stable, long-term relationship. I'm doing my own research. I'm well on the road to recovery from my complex trauma (EMDR is so weird, by the way...read about it here: http://www.emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=2 ). I'm even developing something resembling a time line of my life (which is kind of a big deal - outside of major events, my personal history is pretty much shot).
So, anyway, thanks for being here for my journey, even if it is just through reading my blog. You're awesome.
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