The Cost of Independence

I'm working about 60 hours a week. The second week of October will see it closer to 70. I have three jobs, all of which I love, but I'm feeling the social strain. I have yet to receive my first paycheck of the semester, and the University and tutoring center have the same pay schedule - T-minus 7 days until I will have some semblance of financial independence. Of course, I'll still be playing catch up, but I won't need to constantly go to Beloved for money for silly little things. It's so much easier to ask for help with bills, but when I am having lunch with a friend of almost 20 years who will be in town from out of state or meeting someone at a bar to help them prioritize their finances or life (oh, that's the other thing - the business plan), I end up passively edging in on it. I should just be able to ask, at this point. But, it's been three months of asking him for money, while I begged and pleaded for work, and now I never see him, but still have to ask for money a full month into the semester.

It's not just the strain with Beloved, either. I had grown accustomed to day-long chats with friends, and free time, and...sleep. I didn't realize how much I'd been sacrificing - and I'm doing it, again. Maybe today is just a "down" day. I didn't sleep very much, or very well last night, though the day was awesome (if busy). I feel like I'm already slipping behind my schedule, while putting very important people in second place to paying bills. I'm starting to feel the tension, as if it is becoming a part of my aura - kinetic energy caged by rigid schedules.

Ugh, that's so melodramatic. My schedule isn't nearly as rigid as all of that - I don't need to be in a specific office for 40 hours a week, and most of my work can be done wherever I happen to be. The main problem is that it's so mental. For me to actually accomplish anything, I need to be focused and on my game and keep up with myself. And I'm left scheduling an hour or two when I can catch close friends on Facebook. Maybe, I'll actually schedule that sleepover that I've been talking about so that I can have a snuggle fest with all of my favorite people.

I really shouldn't be on the internet while I'm melancholy and exhausted, but here it is.

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