A note on the holidays, and New Year's resolutions
It's interesting that my blog has taken the same pattern as my journaling has over the years. It seems that I have 4-6 month gaps in every chronicle of my life. Well, I'm back, at least for now, and I have had an interesting time.
Holidays have always been hard for me (as I will say every year when discussing holidays - just so that you're prepared). Family history always floats to the top, and I ache for the good times (Grampy frying donuts on Christmas morning, filling the house with cinnamon while Sister and I watch Disney movies or chase the dogs around Mom's parents' north Florida property), while souring at the pain (knowing that my presents were far more expensive than my mom's or that Sister will end up paying for her gifts, one way or another). I long for uncomplicated feelings and feeling pure joy. I suppose that I would have ever achieved such simplicity, even without my trauma - I was never one for accepting one side of things.
This year was much better than previous ones. The weekend before Thanksgiving was spent at my cousin's wedding, which was beautiful and lively. We spent the first part of the week in town, visiting with my dad's side of the family. My grandparents weren't there, thankfully - though I miss my grandfather dearly. I spent most of the drive up to north Florida preparing for the jibes and backhanded compliments that my grandmother is notorious for. I was almost vibrating from the tension, and I spent a good portion of the 6 hour drive providing Beloved with the litany of my family - who is connected to whom, how they are connected, why the relationship is complicated, how it affects me, how it affects everyone else, etc, etc. I felt a lead cloak being lifted from me when I discovered that she had stayed home. For the first time in my life, I was able to visit with more than one of my dad's siblings without walking on shattered glass (because eggshells doesn't seem to be piquant enough), and it was glorious. The rest of the week, we spent with Beloved's family, which was wonderful, as always (which, on its own is frustrating and overwhelming).
Winter break between semesters is troublesome. It seems like all of the possible stresses pile up at once: holidays, families, expectations, everyone coping with the stress of the season, Florida unable to decide on temperatures, no classes, only one month of prep for Spring semesters, the Tutoring Center is DEAD (which leaves me with 100 things not related to that job to do, and feeling guilty for using company hours for unrelated activities - but it's better than playing Solitaire for 5-10 hrs a day), and the panic of the semester starting and feeling entirely unprepared (regardless of how prepared I actually am). And so, in the midst of all of this, my script ran out. And so, in the height of anxiety and Type A-ness (I'm always a Type A personality - I currently have 3 planners, 2 whiteboards, and a sticky-note app to keep track of all of my projects and deadlines - but this day was particularly bad), I visited my primary care. He asked me if I was bipolar. I shrugged it off, and made poignant and all-too-true jokes about my mental state. And thus, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II. I will be seeking out a psychiatrist to discuss potential medication changes. Now that I'm stabilized on my anti-depressant, the hypomania is becoming overwhelming. It seems to cycle between 3 hrs and 2 or 3 days, which leaves me unable to do anything for 2 or 3 days - which makes working 7 days a week almost impossible to manage....which leads to my New Year's resolutions.
1. Body-Spirit Work: Setting aside at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week, for meditation, yoga, and exercise. I have been talking about doing these things for years, but I can't seem to bring myself to do them - "When will I have the time?" But, I think that my largest problem in the past was that I was trying to list them separately - "I need to exercise, and do yoga, and meditate. When will I find an hour and a half in my day?!" SO, instead, I am lumping them together in Body-Spirit Work, and find 1.5 hours a week to do them
2. Diet Management: I am not going to be dieting - I'll be watching what I eat. If anything has stuck in my brain this year, it's that I need to be cautious about how food affects my overall well-being. I want to have a salad for lunch at least twice a week. I need to cut back on the processed wheat, so I'm going to be switching back to whole wheat pasta (I already get honey wheat bread, so that's one less thing to worry about). I need to have more fruits and vegetables, so I will try to make smoothies more often (...if I can find the blender....and I remember to do it...This last bit will be the hardest). I also plan to limit my caffeine. Through March, I plan to drink no more than 16 oz of energy drink (Yes, this is a thing that I need to state - I don't generally drink more than this, but it's very easy to keep buying more when I'm having a down day). By June, I hope to limit to 8 oz. By August, I would like to have shifted my caffeine almost entirely to coffee and tea.
3. Cigarettes: I want to be done with them by the end of the year. By March, I will not smoke more than three cigarettes on a regular day (six at a party, because I know myself). By August, I want to be down to one cigarette a day (three at a party).
4. Baby Steps: I am sooo bad at baby steps. I am trying to train myself to work a little bit at a time, and that evolution is happening, even though sweeping changes haven't occurred. I want to be able to recognize the inches that I move, and not hate myself for not moving miles.
These resolutions are quite the departure for me. I'm used to philosophical and metaphysical goals - not that I don't have them. I hope to become closer to my spirituality, and to observe the rituals more consistently. That will come in time though - the above listed goals will hopefully help develop my discipline, and center my spirit. All else falls in line after that.
Holidays have always been hard for me (as I will say every year when discussing holidays - just so that you're prepared). Family history always floats to the top, and I ache for the good times (Grampy frying donuts on Christmas morning, filling the house with cinnamon while Sister and I watch Disney movies or chase the dogs around Mom's parents' north Florida property), while souring at the pain (knowing that my presents were far more expensive than my mom's or that Sister will end up paying for her gifts, one way or another). I long for uncomplicated feelings and feeling pure joy. I suppose that I would have ever achieved such simplicity, even without my trauma - I was never one for accepting one side of things.
This year was much better than previous ones. The weekend before Thanksgiving was spent at my cousin's wedding, which was beautiful and lively. We spent the first part of the week in town, visiting with my dad's side of the family. My grandparents weren't there, thankfully - though I miss my grandfather dearly. I spent most of the drive up to north Florida preparing for the jibes and backhanded compliments that my grandmother is notorious for. I was almost vibrating from the tension, and I spent a good portion of the 6 hour drive providing Beloved with the litany of my family - who is connected to whom, how they are connected, why the relationship is complicated, how it affects me, how it affects everyone else, etc, etc. I felt a lead cloak being lifted from me when I discovered that she had stayed home. For the first time in my life, I was able to visit with more than one of my dad's siblings without walking on shattered glass (because eggshells doesn't seem to be piquant enough), and it was glorious. The rest of the week, we spent with Beloved's family, which was wonderful, as always (which, on its own is frustrating and overwhelming).
Winter break between semesters is troublesome. It seems like all of the possible stresses pile up at once: holidays, families, expectations, everyone coping with the stress of the season, Florida unable to decide on temperatures, no classes, only one month of prep for Spring semesters, the Tutoring Center is DEAD (which leaves me with 100 things not related to that job to do, and feeling guilty for using company hours for unrelated activities - but it's better than playing Solitaire for 5-10 hrs a day), and the panic of the semester starting and feeling entirely unprepared (regardless of how prepared I actually am). And so, in the midst of all of this, my script ran out. And so, in the height of anxiety and Type A-ness (I'm always a Type A personality - I currently have 3 planners, 2 whiteboards, and a sticky-note app to keep track of all of my projects and deadlines - but this day was particularly bad), I visited my primary care. He asked me if I was bipolar. I shrugged it off, and made poignant and all-too-true jokes about my mental state. And thus, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II. I will be seeking out a psychiatrist to discuss potential medication changes. Now that I'm stabilized on my anti-depressant, the hypomania is becoming overwhelming. It seems to cycle between 3 hrs and 2 or 3 days, which leaves me unable to do anything for 2 or 3 days - which makes working 7 days a week almost impossible to manage....which leads to my New Year's resolutions.
1. Body-Spirit Work: Setting aside at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week, for meditation, yoga, and exercise. I have been talking about doing these things for years, but I can't seem to bring myself to do them - "When will I have the time?" But, I think that my largest problem in the past was that I was trying to list them separately - "I need to exercise, and do yoga, and meditate. When will I find an hour and a half in my day?!" SO, instead, I am lumping them together in Body-Spirit Work, and find 1.5 hours a week to do them
2. Diet Management: I am not going to be dieting - I'll be watching what I eat. If anything has stuck in my brain this year, it's that I need to be cautious about how food affects my overall well-being. I want to have a salad for lunch at least twice a week. I need to cut back on the processed wheat, so I'm going to be switching back to whole wheat pasta (I already get honey wheat bread, so that's one less thing to worry about). I need to have more fruits and vegetables, so I will try to make smoothies more often (...if I can find the blender....and I remember to do it...This last bit will be the hardest). I also plan to limit my caffeine. Through March, I plan to drink no more than 16 oz of energy drink (Yes, this is a thing that I need to state - I don't generally drink more than this, but it's very easy to keep buying more when I'm having a down day). By June, I hope to limit to 8 oz. By August, I would like to have shifted my caffeine almost entirely to coffee and tea.
3. Cigarettes: I want to be done with them by the end of the year. By March, I will not smoke more than three cigarettes on a regular day (six at a party, because I know myself). By August, I want to be down to one cigarette a day (three at a party).
4. Baby Steps: I am sooo bad at baby steps. I am trying to train myself to work a little bit at a time, and that evolution is happening, even though sweeping changes haven't occurred. I want to be able to recognize the inches that I move, and not hate myself for not moving miles.
These resolutions are quite the departure for me. I'm used to philosophical and metaphysical goals - not that I don't have them. I hope to become closer to my spirituality, and to observe the rituals more consistently. That will come in time though - the above listed goals will hopefully help develop my discipline, and center my spirit. All else falls in line after that.
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