A year of catching up
It seems that I keep my blogs the way that I keep my journals - with long hiatuses and overwhelming updates. It has been a quite eventful ten months, and I find myself in a bit of a crisis.
To start, I am single for the first time in 14 years. I ended my relationship of 6.5 years in February with the hopes of learning who I am outside of a relationship and to better understand what I expect and hope to gain from a partner. After 8 months, I'm honestly not sure if I am any closer to those goals.
I started a new medication. The dosage was recently adjusted, and I am working my way out of a depression, so I'm not sure whether it is actually what I need. This was my first depression without a partner, which was both better and worse than other episodes. It was more difficult to see, as I didn't have someone to reflect on my actions, but it also meant that I didn't have someone that I felt I was letting down on an immediate and intimate basis. It did show me, however, that I have a wonderful support structure. My friends truly pulled me through this one.
Which brings us to a potential trigger. I was enrolled in an online MBA program through my university. I am no longer enrolled in the program. I failed economics because I couldn't understand the work. I would have likely been successful if I had taken it in a classroom, but an online course was disastrous. I was killing myself over the homework and driving myself into panics trying to complete assignments. It's entirely likely that I was trying to overcomplicate the math or that something would have clicked if I fought harder....I just had nothing more to give. I left the program with the hopes of more actively pursuing a PhD.
But I don't think I want to be in academia anymore. I'm burned out on teaching on a level that I never thought was possible. I don't even want to research, anymore. I'm overwhelmed and overworked (both of which might be my own fault). I don't want to be in front of the classroom, anymore. This is really messing with me. For as long as I can remember, my dream, my drive, was to become an educator. I've gotten there and I did it for two years, but I think that I'm going to step away at the end of this semester. I'll get a boring office job and be able to leave work at work and I may be able to start writing again and....who knows. Maybe I'll just be lost in ennui for the rest of my life. But, over the last few days, I've started really getting feeling back. Emotional pins and needles are rough, but it's better than being numb.
I do know that I'm going to try to write more. I just need a bit more self-discipline to keep it up...
To start, I am single for the first time in 14 years. I ended my relationship of 6.5 years in February with the hopes of learning who I am outside of a relationship and to better understand what I expect and hope to gain from a partner. After 8 months, I'm honestly not sure if I am any closer to those goals.
I started a new medication. The dosage was recently adjusted, and I am working my way out of a depression, so I'm not sure whether it is actually what I need. This was my first depression without a partner, which was both better and worse than other episodes. It was more difficult to see, as I didn't have someone to reflect on my actions, but it also meant that I didn't have someone that I felt I was letting down on an immediate and intimate basis. It did show me, however, that I have a wonderful support structure. My friends truly pulled me through this one.
Which brings us to a potential trigger. I was enrolled in an online MBA program through my university. I am no longer enrolled in the program. I failed economics because I couldn't understand the work. I would have likely been successful if I had taken it in a classroom, but an online course was disastrous. I was killing myself over the homework and driving myself into panics trying to complete assignments. It's entirely likely that I was trying to overcomplicate the math or that something would have clicked if I fought harder....I just had nothing more to give. I left the program with the hopes of more actively pursuing a PhD.
But I don't think I want to be in academia anymore. I'm burned out on teaching on a level that I never thought was possible. I don't even want to research, anymore. I'm overwhelmed and overworked (both of which might be my own fault). I don't want to be in front of the classroom, anymore. This is really messing with me. For as long as I can remember, my dream, my drive, was to become an educator. I've gotten there and I did it for two years, but I think that I'm going to step away at the end of this semester. I'll get a boring office job and be able to leave work at work and I may be able to start writing again and....who knows. Maybe I'll just be lost in ennui for the rest of my life. But, over the last few days, I've started really getting feeling back. Emotional pins and needles are rough, but it's better than being numb.
I do know that I'm going to try to write more. I just need a bit more self-discipline to keep it up...
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