On Identity: Leaving Education
I have always been very focused on my identity - what do I believe in? Do I embody those values in both thought and action? How am I perceived and how can I better align those perceptions with who I want to be? How is my environment, past and current, affecting how I see myself? How are my mental illness, pain, and fatigue affecting my behavior? What are my goals and how are they affecting my self image?
Okay, so I've been accused of excessive metacognition. I blame reading so much philosophy and Victorian literature as a kid (the stoic and socratic philosophies are great for building this skill, but I digress). I also wanted to be a teacher at a very young age and have always been very aware of societal expectations, so I have spent most of my life being very careful of what I publicly share about myself and what might be used against me should some parent or administrator feel they need to take me down or control me.
....I also grew up in a family where you needed to know exactly where everyone stood on any one topic and how to deliberately interact with delusions, gaslighting, "polite fictions," a whole damned graveyard of skeletons in the closet, etc. So. I have learned how to read a room and collect subtext from pretty much the simplest word or action.
ANYWAY, hypervigilance aside.
Like I said earlier (and probably in like 7 previous posts), I wanted to be a teacher from a very young age. We're talking from the time I could talk young. This fundamentally shaped how I understood interacting with the world, as teachers are pretty much expected to be perfect examples of Puritan dedication. While this has eased significantly in the last decade, it's still a lingering expectation. You can see it in the work load, in the way teachers (especially women) are supposed to present themselves, in their pay. Teaching is a calling and anyone going in is pretty prepared to offer their soul, financial stability, and well being to the kids. There is a lot of disagreement over what the burnout statistics are for educators, but the lowest number I've seen is that 8% of teachers leave the school system every year.
I thought I was prepared for all of the problems as a kid (it was kind of my M.O.). I knew about the pay wages and that I needed to keep my private life firmly behind closed doors. I expected the long hours and difficult, but rewarding, work. And then standardized testing became the primary method for gauging student and teacher success and I left the thought of teaching high school behind. So I became a sociologist and taught university as an adjunct for three years.
The last semester teaching pretty much destroyed me. It was a full on Tower card made real, breaking me to my foundation. I was crushed. I realize now that it was a full on breakdown. I was unable to cope physically or intellectually. I was suicidal. I wasn't able to teach my students - I forgetting lectures I had given 15 times before, couldn't grade work in a timely manner, I was constantly oversleeping. And I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do afterwards.
I was 28 when I left education. I had spent 20 years of my life building these skills and I couldn't last 3 years. I had this set of skills that I didn't know how to sell and I didn't know what field I even wanted to get into. I floundered for 2 years. I'm not sure I've entirely recovered. But I do know that I have become comfortable not being in front of a classroom or calling myself a teacher.
Ultimately, it took breaking down assumptions about myself. I thought I was a failure for not being able to "make it" as an educator. I thought that I didn't try hard enough or that I wasn't dedicated enough. I thought I was a bad teacher. Except I had dedicated every moment of my life to those students. I was always grading papers and designing lesson plans and updating resources. I felt such guilt when I wasn't working, even though I hated the specific course I was teaching and couldn't teach it in a way that made sense (or was interesting) to me. It's almost like I had to overcompensate for my loathing. I didn't have time or room for anything else and it devoured me from the inside out.
With a ton of validation and support from my friends, family, and lovers, I have accepted that I never really left education. I still teach at every opportunity and I have taken up tutoring to supplement my income. I pretty consistently consider returning to the classroom, but I doubt I will. Sometimes, passion burns too brightly and you need to distance your self from the fire, lest you burn yourself up. It's been a very difficult lesson to learn, but I'm so glad I had the opportunity to learn it.
I have come to terms with needing work I can just walk away from. I need to be able to punch out, leave the office, turn it off. I need work that is important, but won't consume me. I took "follow your passions" to heart, made it a core element of my being. What I needed was to learn how to regulate my passion. How to walk away from it or set it down without feeling as if I were betraying everything I stood for. There is a very thin line between passion and obsession, perhaps thinner for me that most.
Anyway, the point is: work hard. Dedicate yourself to your goals. Just know that they aren't the only thing you need. Take time away to breathe or read or whatever. You can't give your best without resting. Let your brain cool down, let your muscles relax, let yourself revitalize to tackle your passions and dreams and goals tomorrow.
Okay, so I've been accused of excessive metacognition. I blame reading so much philosophy and Victorian literature as a kid (the stoic and socratic philosophies are great for building this skill, but I digress). I also wanted to be a teacher at a very young age and have always been very aware of societal expectations, so I have spent most of my life being very careful of what I publicly share about myself and what might be used against me should some parent or administrator feel they need to take me down or control me.
....I also grew up in a family where you needed to know exactly where everyone stood on any one topic and how to deliberately interact with delusions, gaslighting, "polite fictions," a whole damned graveyard of skeletons in the closet, etc. So. I have learned how to read a room and collect subtext from pretty much the simplest word or action.
ANYWAY, hypervigilance aside.
Like I said earlier (and probably in like 7 previous posts), I wanted to be a teacher from a very young age. We're talking from the time I could talk young. This fundamentally shaped how I understood interacting with the world, as teachers are pretty much expected to be perfect examples of Puritan dedication. While this has eased significantly in the last decade, it's still a lingering expectation. You can see it in the work load, in the way teachers (especially women) are supposed to present themselves, in their pay. Teaching is a calling and anyone going in is pretty prepared to offer their soul, financial stability, and well being to the kids. There is a lot of disagreement over what the burnout statistics are for educators, but the lowest number I've seen is that 8% of teachers leave the school system every year.
I thought I was prepared for all of the problems as a kid (it was kind of my M.O.). I knew about the pay wages and that I needed to keep my private life firmly behind closed doors. I expected the long hours and difficult, but rewarding, work. And then standardized testing became the primary method for gauging student and teacher success and I left the thought of teaching high school behind. So I became a sociologist and taught university as an adjunct for three years.
The last semester teaching pretty much destroyed me. It was a full on Tower card made real, breaking me to my foundation. I was crushed. I realize now that it was a full on breakdown. I was unable to cope physically or intellectually. I was suicidal. I wasn't able to teach my students - I forgetting lectures I had given 15 times before, couldn't grade work in a timely manner, I was constantly oversleeping. And I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do afterwards.
I was 28 when I left education. I had spent 20 years of my life building these skills and I couldn't last 3 years. I had this set of skills that I didn't know how to sell and I didn't know what field I even wanted to get into. I floundered for 2 years. I'm not sure I've entirely recovered. But I do know that I have become comfortable not being in front of a classroom or calling myself a teacher.
Ultimately, it took breaking down assumptions about myself. I thought I was a failure for not being able to "make it" as an educator. I thought that I didn't try hard enough or that I wasn't dedicated enough. I thought I was a bad teacher. Except I had dedicated every moment of my life to those students. I was always grading papers and designing lesson plans and updating resources. I felt such guilt when I wasn't working, even though I hated the specific course I was teaching and couldn't teach it in a way that made sense (or was interesting) to me. It's almost like I had to overcompensate for my loathing. I didn't have time or room for anything else and it devoured me from the inside out.
With a ton of validation and support from my friends, family, and lovers, I have accepted that I never really left education. I still teach at every opportunity and I have taken up tutoring to supplement my income. I pretty consistently consider returning to the classroom, but I doubt I will. Sometimes, passion burns too brightly and you need to distance your self from the fire, lest you burn yourself up. It's been a very difficult lesson to learn, but I'm so glad I had the opportunity to learn it.
I have come to terms with needing work I can just walk away from. I need to be able to punch out, leave the office, turn it off. I need work that is important, but won't consume me. I took "follow your passions" to heart, made it a core element of my being. What I needed was to learn how to regulate my passion. How to walk away from it or set it down without feeling as if I were betraying everything I stood for. There is a very thin line between passion and obsession, perhaps thinner for me that most.
Anyway, the point is: work hard. Dedicate yourself to your goals. Just know that they aren't the only thing you need. Take time away to breathe or read or whatever. You can't give your best without resting. Let your brain cool down, let your muscles relax, let yourself revitalize to tackle your passions and dreams and goals tomorrow.
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