A Stream of Consciousness Update
It's been a very emotional week. I finally made it out of the depression of the past two months and I had a bit of a pain flare-up at the start. I'm still catching up from all of the chores that fell by the wayside while I was depressed and I'm frustrated that I haven't been making more progress. I found out yesterday that my paternal grandfather (Grandpa) had a stroke on Friday. He's recovering, but it's dug up a lot of complicated feelings that I haven't really given myself time to mete through. Bosco (my beautiful Great Dane) has some skin condition that's causing his hair to come out in patches. We've been fighting a flea infestation for a while now, but the skin thing is new. My day job is only getting me 20-30 hours a week and I'm trying to do the freelance thing, but the hustle is so hard when I'm fighting my brain and body. I am seeing improvement, overall - I'm healthier than I've been in a long time, my credit score has vastly improved, and I'm better understanding my needs/limitations. But....it's really difficult to see the point of it, right now.
Finances are so stressful. I feel like I'm constantly spinning my wheels to be left at the starting line. Or worse. I am scared to go back into a traditional office job because of my punctuality problems. It's not that I don't want to be there on time. I just...can't, some days. Getting out of bed after a week of awful sleep or during a pain flare is like fighting riptide. I'm going to have days where I'm going to be little use to anyone, either due to brain fog or a low cognitive day. I hate that I'm so inconsistent and I try so hard to be stable, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be even close. At least I have something akin to a routine, so that's something?
My grandpa's stroke is turning my stomach in knots and I've been pretty numb since I found out. My aunts and dad are in Texas to stay with him. He was my favorite grandparent, but I guess that's not saying much. I didn't know my mom's dad (Grandaddy) very well. He lived in New Mexico and didn't visit often. When he did, though, he took us to Disney World, so there's that, I guess. My mom's mom (Nana) and stepdad (Grampy) are not people I've ever really had a ton in common with and I became pretty distant from them as I grew up. We saw Nana and Grampy at least three times a year, as they were only about 8 hours away and we went up to N Florida for Christmas and summers. Grandma and Grandpa were in Texas. I always had a strained relationship with Grandma (she died at the end of 2016), but Grandpa was always the quiet pillar of the family, a kind of cornerstone patriarch. None of us really had a relationship with Grandaddy, but my other grandparents were (and are).....problematic. They mostly damaged their children, so those stories are far from mine to tell, but the effects were lasting. The skeletons came out about Grandpa shortly after Dad was sentenced and...it broke my heart.
I'm done with having heroes and idols. Every one of them has come crumpling off their pedestal from pivotal faults. I don't expect my heroes to be gods, but FUCK...at least don't abuse people. At least don't feed on those weaker than you, don't prey on their disabilities or trust or love. And, I mean. Sociologically, I know it's everywhere. I get that capitalism not only breeds these traits but actively reinforces, rewards, canonizes this behavior. I just. It makes me so tired.
Finances are so stressful. I feel like I'm constantly spinning my wheels to be left at the starting line. Or worse. I am scared to go back into a traditional office job because of my punctuality problems. It's not that I don't want to be there on time. I just...can't, some days. Getting out of bed after a week of awful sleep or during a pain flare is like fighting riptide. I'm going to have days where I'm going to be little use to anyone, either due to brain fog or a low cognitive day. I hate that I'm so inconsistent and I try so hard to be stable, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be even close. At least I have something akin to a routine, so that's something?
My grandpa's stroke is turning my stomach in knots and I've been pretty numb since I found out. My aunts and dad are in Texas to stay with him. He was my favorite grandparent, but I guess that's not saying much. I didn't know my mom's dad (Grandaddy) very well. He lived in New Mexico and didn't visit often. When he did, though, he took us to Disney World, so there's that, I guess. My mom's mom (Nana) and stepdad (Grampy) are not people I've ever really had a ton in common with and I became pretty distant from them as I grew up. We saw Nana and Grampy at least three times a year, as they were only about 8 hours away and we went up to N Florida for Christmas and summers. Grandma and Grandpa were in Texas. I always had a strained relationship with Grandma (she died at the end of 2016), but Grandpa was always the quiet pillar of the family, a kind of cornerstone patriarch. None of us really had a relationship with Grandaddy, but my other grandparents were (and are).....problematic. They mostly damaged their children, so those stories are far from mine to tell, but the effects were lasting. The skeletons came out about Grandpa shortly after Dad was sentenced and...it broke my heart.
I'm done with having heroes and idols. Every one of them has come crumpling off their pedestal from pivotal faults. I don't expect my heroes to be gods, but FUCK...at least don't abuse people. At least don't feed on those weaker than you, don't prey on their disabilities or trust or love. And, I mean. Sociologically, I know it's everywhere. I get that capitalism not only breeds these traits but actively reinforces, rewards, canonizes this behavior. I just. It makes me so tired.
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