A (not so) Triumphant Return: Insomniac Ramblings on Life Being Hard

Yeah. I said it. Life is hard. I mean, everyone knows that, right? And I feel like I'm whining when I say it. But, I'm not going to guilt myself for it anymore. Especially now. Because life IS hard. Especially when you're in recovery, you have a mental illness, you are overworked, underpaid, job insecure, and torn between life paths. I mean, that's HARD. Oh, and then missing family that are across the country to the point of homesickness, while not being sure how you feel about the family that lives literally down the road. It's been a few months, so I should probably catch you up...

Therapist has been calling me out pretty much constantly. I mean, yeah, that's what I pay her for, but she's not letting me get away with ANYTHING anymore. I don't actually want her to stop pushing me, but it's terrifying down the path that she is leading me. I mean, I've spent the last three weeks trying to figure out how I feel about my mom. I thought that I was over that shit. I mean, she hurt me a great deal...she wasn't supportive in the ways that I needed her to be. I still pity her. My resentment and pity keep me from really opening up to her, and anything that I can actually get out of my relationship with her is stifled by those terrible emotions. But I don't know how to get away from them. I feel like I've spent the last 10 years of my life vacillating between singing her praises (she's an amazing, beautiful, loving mother who adopts all my friends evar and she will teach us all how to sew and draw and ride motorcycles) and focusing on the damage that she caused me (she didn't support me; she didn't save us when we needed her to; and a bunch of other stuff)....


This has been in draft for way too long...So, came to terms with ambivalence about Mom. It'll always be a thing, so I'm just going to have to deal with those feelings as they come. It seems like I have so much energy because I have been packing my schedule so tightly, but... it's been a major depressive episode for coming up on 5 months now. I have great weeks, but they're rare - mostly it's good days where I go "Oh, I'm cured!" and then wonder why I am still awake at 6a or am having night terrors upon falling asleep. I'm irritable, overwhelmed, and the things happening around me aren't helping (see Operation: Boundary Maintenance for *some* details). So. Congrats. Two updates in one day!

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